Last night, I saw something I thought I would never see. As I was browsing our website, monitoring the coverage of yesterday’s local elections, I was stunned to discover that one town in particular had done something absolutely shocking. Mooretsown, the Quaker town with roots dating back to the late 1600s, voluntarily decided to enter hell.
By a 60%-40% tally, Moorestown voters — at least the less than 7,000 who showed up at the polls — passed a referendum that will allow liquor sales in the township, albeit with restrictions. Liquor will only be permitted at “fine-dining” restaurants at the Moorestown Mall.
Surely, this is just another example of how the whole world is going to s**t right before our eyes. What happened to purity? What happened to values? What happened to tradition?
Moorestown’s “dry town” status dates back to 1915, when the township first banned the sale liquor. And when Prohibition was lifted in 1933, the town decided it wouldn’t join the progressives; it would remain left in the past.
As the world progressed, Moorestown held firm, staying true to its roots. Establishments of ill repute started popping up on every border of town, with PJ Whelihan’s and the Iron Hill Brewery in Maple Shade within a stone’s throw of historic, “Best Place to Live” Moorestown.
Over time, though, it seems the lure of the nearby sale of liquor started creeping into good ole’ Moorestown by osmosis. In 2007, some hipster youngins’ tried to pass a liquor referendum, but that was shot down quickly — much like similar votes in 1935 and 1953. But only four years later, after some serious legal debate, the referendum appeared on the ballot again, and this time, it passed.
Evil Mr. Liquor has made its way into Moorestown now, and there’s nothing that can stop it. Just think of what will come:
• Much like what happened at the Cherry Hill Mall, the Moorestown Mall is likely to attract new fine-dining establishments that will attract visitors to the area. Aaaargggh!!
• And, much like in Cherry Hill, these new establishments are likely to cut municipal taxes, or at least prevent them from increasing. Aaaargggh!!
• With all that extra money — and a newfound complete lack of morals — Moorestown residents will surely frequent these “liquor barns,” consuming as much alcohol as their bodies, and wallets, can handle. Aaaargggh!!
• Crime will increase, just as it did when Prohibition ended. Underhanded politicians will hand out the million-dollar liquor licenses to their cronies. Aaaargggh!!
• In a few years, Moorestown residents will vote on (and pass) lowering the drinking age to 13. If we allow liquor, we might as well allow everyone to enjoy it, right? Aaaargggh!!
So now what? How do we save our children? How do we save ourselves?
Maybe we can quietly move to the middle-of-nowhere-Pennsylvania to live a made-up Quaker life in the woods while the rest of the world operates in the present day with all that technology crap. And maybe M. Night Shyamalan won’t sue us for stealing his idea.
Maybe we can build a Great Wall of Moorestown, keeping out those rowdy, uncivilized, liquor-loving neighbors of ours from despicable towns such as Maple Shade, Mt. Laurel, Cinnaminson and Delran. And in the process, maybe we can kick out all those who voted “yes” to liquor at the polls yesterday.
Maybe we can move to Saudi Arabia. Heck, that whole damn country prohibits the sale or consumption of alcohol, and they punish those who break the law.
Maybe we can build a time machine and travel back to the Prohibition era, where there was no liquor and, therefore, no crime. Just good, wholesome family.
Or, maybe we can just move to Haddonfield.
